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being pregnant is really tough.. alot of sacrificies… cant even attend ming’s hens night yesterday.. though i dun like those clubbing places, but its allies hens night afterall.. haiz… I wish I can enjoy with them.. I wish I can share the fun as well..

being a mother is definitely not easy…has to give up many things becos of baby.. has to avoid certain food/drinks becos of baby as well… seems that our life just evolve around the baby… no more personal time for couplehood and no more “me” time….

if I can choose, I rather have all the sacrifices at a later stage… at least we can still enjoy for a while…

rantings are rantings… becos I feel so terrible physically and emotional… rantings are just my way of “destress”…. a fren told me that a mother always worry for every little things… if not, that person not suitable to be a mother at all… yes.. I worry damn lots…. I worry abt the financial status of us… I worry inflation always going on.. I worry that I cannot be a gd mum to my bb… I worry that I dunnno how to teach my bb… I worry abt going overseas to enjoy myself temporary and yet leaving bb with parents… I worry that my bb will pick up the wrong accent from my MIL, I dun wan my bb to grow up having Msian accent just like bear…

I worry alot… and maybe thats  y I cant really enjoy the pregnancy at all… I am trying very very hard to be happy… I think my bb knows my exact feeling… pple told me things will get better when it comes… but who knows abt the future? cant it get worse?

what’s wrong

blame it on the hormones that made me so sensitive nowadays… dun ask me how I know, I just feel it…

I can feel that everyone ard me is  feeling happy and excited abt my pregnancy but not you… I dun need your congrats to me… I just hope you can be happy for me even though this is unplanned…

pls dun give me that nonchalant face for everything.. I dun feel good at all.. in fact, I feel a little hurt by your expression… I dunno whateva had happened to you in the past, but I know I am definitely not the cause of it… maybe my pregnancy reminds you of some unhappiness, pls understand that it not my fault to be pregnant…

seriously I dunno how to talk to you… you give me a feeling that I shld feel bad abt my pregnancy.. but the things is.. why shld I? on the contrary, I shld feel happy so that I can have a happy baby…

 I wanted to talk to you like how we used to talk… the thing is.. I know we cant now… cos I know u have a knot in your heart.. the way you talk to others is so different you talk to me… I feel sad actually… all women has this roller-coaster mood in us.. I understand.. somehow, I feel the coldness in your voice..

bear told me to ignore you and just let it be… but… can I?

updates..

another outdated post… many changes ard me… emotionally and physically… nvr say too early that getting pregnant is not in the game yet… well.. accidents do happen… just it happened to both of us…

fortunately, or shld I say unfortunately, yes.. I am pregnant… as of today, I am 12weeks and 4days pregnant…

this is totally unplanned and we definitely wont want this bb to come so fast… when I knew I am pregnant… my 1st intention is go for abortion… bear was as lost as me… we have our own plans, but with this bb, everything will be hindered…

yes we are selfish parents I admit… we are just not prepared to be one… we are newly married for 3mths only… our flat is not here yet.. we haven enjoyed our 二人世界 time enough.. we wanted to travel overseas and so many things undone… with this bb, everything will be stopped… even postfone to other dates, the feeling is just different…

we really had mixed emotions… to keep or not to keep…. seeing frens/relatives trying hard to conceive, even conceive, also miscarriage… pple try all means and spent lots just to have bb.. and yet we I  am thinking of how to get rid…

if we keep, how I can do confinement in such a small room in amk, and together with MIL, SIL plus 3 tenants… where can the confinement lady slp? I dun wan MIL to do confinement for me… cos she is not gd health.. if she falls sick during my confinement period, am I to be blamed?

where can we put the baby cot? what happens after my maternity leave? same thing.. I dun wan my MIL to take care of my kid… my mum need to work and my dad is not in gd health as well… infant care can really do a gd job? even send to a nanny also cannot guarantee gd service… taking  care myself… then, it will be very taxing on bear… all expenses will go up… plus, his sales job is not stable… how?

all sorts of qns coming in and I finally break down… its so stressful now… gynae advised us to keep of cos (I was abt 5wks pregnant then)… I am thinking that besides to moral values, she also wan to make money… abortion feels at most goes up to $1k? but the charges for delivery is definitely more than $2k not including the hosiptal charges…

ok I am thinking too much.. but I have to factor out the scenarios… I have to make plans for this unexpected gift… by the next appt with gynae 3 weeks later, bb was actually 9 weeks according to the size.. and we saw the hearts blinking on the screen…

“omg, I really have a life in me…” thats my 1st reaction… and yup…we decided to keep… successfully passed my 1st trimester although my morning sickness doesnt get anywhere… I believe my colleagues have been speculating ard when I wore flats and stop drinking my fav green tea… I still manage to keep mum abt it until I know I pass the safety mark…

I hope my morning sickness can subside and I can recover my appetite… I lost 3kg in 1st trimester.. and my appetite is smaller than before… as what ming says… just another 6mths and I can see my joy.. well.. I hope I will be happy too…

oh ya.. Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone! Wishing all happiness and love is all around =)